Why We Keep Doing Things That We Know Don't Help

One of the things I find particularly interesting is the gap between what we know and what we actually do.

Most of us have behaviours that we know aren't necessarily good for us.

We might stay up too late, work when we should be resting, keep checking our phone, avoid difficult conversations, spend money when we're stressed, drink more than we intended to, or constantly distract ourselves when we are feeling uncomfortable.

Often, we already know that these behaviours aren't helping in the long term.

So why do we keep doing them?

I think part of the answer lies in the difference between short-term relief and long-term consequences.

When we're stressed, overwhelmed or emotionally uncomfortable, we naturally look for something that will make us feel better now.

The immediate relief can be powerful.

Checking your phone might distract you from anxiety. Working might take your mind off problems at home. Going out, spending money or having a drink might provide a temporary sense of escape.

For a moment, the difficult feeling changes.

And that matters.

Our brains learn from experiences that provide relief. If a behaviour helps us feel better in the short term, we are more likely to return to it the next time we experience something similar.

The problem is that what works for five minutes may not work particularly well for the next five hours, five days or five years.

This can create a cycle that is difficult to see while we're inside it.

We feel uncomfortable.

We do something to change the feeling.

We experience some relief.

The underlying issue remains.

Eventually the uncomfortable feeling returns, and we repeat the behaviour.

Over time, the behaviour can become automatic.

This is why I believe self-judgement isn't always particularly helpful.

Telling ourselves that we should have more discipline or simply stop doing something may overlook the reason we started doing it in the first place.

Instead, I think curiosity can be much more useful.

What feeling am I trying to change?

What am I avoiding?

What do I need at this moment?

And is the way I'm coping actually helping me, or is it simply helping me get through the next few minutes?

These aren't always easy questions to answer.

Sometimes the behaviours we use to cope have been with us for a very long time, and we may never have stopped to consider what purpose they serve.

Psychotherapy can provide a space to slow that process down and understand the connection between our emotions, our thoughts and our behaviours.

Because changing a behaviour can be difficult when we don't understand what the behaviour is doing for us.

Sometimes the first step towards changing a pattern isn't forcing ourselves to stop.

It's becoming curious about why we need it in the first place.